rambling

So I haven’t posted in a while... and for those of you who care... here’s why...
I’m a bitch... I’m just not me.. I feel so freaking horrible... and in a green field filled with daisies and butterflies complete with a rainbow in the sky... I think I could find something wrong... Maybe ants would be biting me or something.. who knows?
My point is, I just haven’t had a day where I haven’t felt like strangling some one ...

So, here are a few ramblings from a few things that have been bothering me lately...

I’m so sick of pregnant people.. and all their happiness... I want to be happy for them, I really do... but damn... I just can’t... I want another child so bad... I want to be pregnant again... and Mike and I say we might try for another one... but then, I don’t know... SMA is genetic.. and there would be a 25% chance that the child would have SMA... or a 75% chance of an SMA free child... A risk that I’d be willing to take because Austin’s SMA seems so mild... but I just don’t know... (And the PCOS could me no more kids with out fertility treatments... I just don’t know how I feel about that)

Then I am so sick of the SMA ... and watching Austin with other kids... and knowing that one day he will start asking why he can’t do things... and eventually someone will pick on him because he is different and that just kills me... as I’m typing it I’m in tears... I just don’t know how I am going to handle these things in the future...

I am also sick of the whole Pregnancy response “I just want a healthy baby” ....
I even said it when I was pregnant... and let me tell you... my “un-healthy” child means the world to me... I wouldn’t trade him for a “healthy” child... The fact is that you will love this child whether it comes out a normal and healthy baby girl or a blue and green polkadotted one armed eight legged octopus boy... you just will because its your baby...

And most of all... I’m sick of feeling like crap...
I’m exhausted and bitchy... and I’ve got this horrible sinus drip, and the beginnings of a sore throat, and I’ve started my period...

I hate that when some people read this I will get calls asking if I’m depressed because I have a history of depression... no, I’m not... Life doesn’t suck, and I don’t want to dig a hole, curl up and die... I just want to RANT and VENT a little...

I am so aggravated that my dad lives so far away...
Do you know how heart breaking it is to hear Austin talk about “PawPaw Brian” and say that he “neber see PawPawBrian” and “we not see him today”

I hate that we have a family that is so nosey.. and that wants to tell us what to do and how to do it.. .and that when they see the post up there about us wanting another child, they will swarm us with reasons why that is not a good idea... They don’t realize that we are the ones that matters.. it affects us, and only us... You don’t pay my bills, you don’t take care of my kid on a daily basis... Its not your choice... its mine and my husbands... And a choice hasn’t been made... but I suggest that you don’t get involved.

Ok, well,. Now I’m hungry, so I am going to go eat lunch...

Its just a raining day here in Paradise... I’ll be fine...