Its another day

and things are still the same...
but then again, maybe a little better?

I went and talked to my ex boss for a minute today b/c he found our about what was going on... He wanted me to stay.... but said he understands why I want to leave. He told me to go talk to my new boss (the guy who took his position...) becuase he needs to know what is going on... and how they are acting... he said he was really sorry that I felt like I needed to leave... but that there are more important things than work and that I need to be with someone who understands that I have a Special Needs child and I will have to miss work sometimes to take care of some of the appointments that come along with SMA...

So I am now debating on going to talk to my new section head... I asked him this afternoon if we could talk tomorrow... but I'm not really sure what he could do for me... He could transfer me to a different group in our section... but the other group has been loosing lots of employees lately because they don't like the way they are being treated... I'm not sure I want to move to another group like that...

So now I am waiting.... just waiting... .yay.... I've got to try and find a new job... I'll keep you posted on that...





As for us...
Tomorrow is Halloween... We are bringing Austin Trick or Treating in Mike's parent's neighborhood...
I was telling Austin about it, trying to explain it to him, and he tells me "But mommy, I got plenty plentycandy at my house"
so he's not really interested about tomorrow...
but I will have some pictures anyway... : )
I'm excited !!!!!

Then its the weekend!!! YAY!?

I'm off to get together his stuff for tomorrow...

another day

Well, its another day...
And although I am still not happy with work, I am feeling better today... I am not sure if its just tired of crying, or if maybe I really am ok with the idea of leaving (once I find another job)... or if its just nice to know that some people agree with me... or that my section head (or ex section head - its complicated...) doesn't want to loose me...

I've decided that even though I am feeling better, I am not letting it go... I've ignored similar issues in the past, and they just keep coming right back... all the same things.... I'm not going to let it go this time... I'm going to do something about it... even if that means leaving...

I have to many other things to worry about with out having to be worried about whether or not I'm going to get chewed out everytime I need to take some time off to care for my child... or anything else that might come up...

Fact is they couldn't really deny any of my leave requests for Austin b/c that would violate the Family Medical Leave Act... and I know that... but they fail to see how it would... Fact is, I have a special needs child... and by law I am entitled to 12 weeks a year to take time off to bring him to get any type of medical care he needs...

And then, besides that ... I have a Special Needs Child... I need to be in a place that understands that there will be times that I will have to miss and take off to deal with things that come up.... I can not be in a place where I have to stress about their reaction... Being in this place with my child can be stressful enough...

I can't keep a job that is affecting my home life... I need to be able to be here for my son... I can't be this miserable and take care of my child as well as he deserves to be taken care of...

So for myself and my family... I am going to try my hardest to find a new job... It will probably just be a transfer... whether in or out of the section I am in.... Just away from my boss...

Thanks for listening/reading all about my rough time....
Hopefully the end is near...

its just getting bad...

I think I am starting to get depressed... and it all steams back to work...
I hate that I have let things get to me this bad...
I wish that I could just let it roll off my shoulders...
but I can't...
and its getting bad...

Today I got chewed out because someone in the district didn't do their job... so that's my fault how????
Oh, becuase I didn't call them everyday for the last year to get a copy of it...
Seriously...

I didn't even know that this was an issue...
I have probably like 20 contracts a week pass over my desk...
and once our end is finished they go in temperary files where they sit until we get work orders...
My lead worker and I go through this when we don't have anything to do to try and find the old ones that should have work orders... but I by no means have time to do this everyday... not even every week... between the two of us, it tends to get done once a month... sometimes every two months... and that's with two people waiting for spare time to do it.

Its not like I sit around with my thumbs up my ass... I stay busy...I work basically from the time I get there until I leave...
Now the people I work with...

one goes to coffee and around 7ish... and gets back around 7:45ish... then goes for breakfast around 9ish and is gone until about 10... then at 11 they either leave for lunch or start warming their lunch (or fixing it) ... and they don't get back to their desk until like 1:30 then at 2:30 its coffee time agan.. .and that lasts until like 3
and on some days this person sleeps... or sits at their desk, and ignores everyone and I get stuck doing their work... which sometimes puts me a little behind...

And my boss... he is almost never at his desk... he's usually down the hall talking person... nothing work related comes out of his mouth ...excepts for what he is fussing at me about what i don't do... except that I am doing the things he is saying I don't.. .and when I tell him that I don't have time to do the things he is request (such as checking DAILY for this issue that came up today) he tells me that I am lieing...

He told me he doesn't care who I talk to once all my work is done. Ok, so now what??? I am by law entitled to TWO 15 minute breaks a day... and a 30 minute lunch... I NEVER take my whole 15min breaks... NEVER so who cares if I talk casually with a coworker as I pass them in the hall? Who the hell has the right to say that I can't talk to people?!?!?!?

I am so beyond pissed...
Then of ocurse mymotherinlaw found out that what was going on, and she works with my former boss(big boss.. the section head) now. So she went to him to find out about my boss. He says that he is still technically over my section and doesnt want me to transfer out... He had told me in the past that he wouldn't approve a transfer b/c I was too important to the section.
But he said maybe he would move me to a different group in the section. I need to go talk to him... This is all getting to be too much for me... I can't live like this...

I've gained some weight... and been snacking a lot... and this week I haven't had much of an apetite.. I reall dread going to work in the morning... I just don't want to deal with his shit...

Sorry this is so long... I just needed to vent a little...

rambling

So I haven’t posted in a while... and for those of you who care... here’s why...
I’m a bitch... I’m just not me.. I feel so freaking horrible... and in a green field filled with daisies and butterflies complete with a rainbow in the sky... I think I could find something wrong... Maybe ants would be biting me or something.. who knows?
My point is, I just haven’t had a day where I haven’t felt like strangling some one ...

So, here are a few ramblings from a few things that have been bothering me lately...

I’m so sick of pregnant people.. and all their happiness... I want to be happy for them, I really do... but damn... I just can’t... I want another child so bad... I want to be pregnant again... and Mike and I say we might try for another one... but then, I don’t know... SMA is genetic.. and there would be a 25% chance that the child would have SMA... or a 75% chance of an SMA free child... A risk that I’d be willing to take because Austin’s SMA seems so mild... but I just don’t know... (And the PCOS could me no more kids with out fertility treatments... I just don’t know how I feel about that)

Then I am so sick of the SMA ... and watching Austin with other kids... and knowing that one day he will start asking why he can’t do things... and eventually someone will pick on him because he is different and that just kills me... as I’m typing it I’m in tears... I just don’t know how I am going to handle these things in the future...

I am also sick of the whole Pregnancy response “I just want a healthy baby” ....
I even said it when I was pregnant... and let me tell you... my “un-healthy” child means the world to me... I wouldn’t trade him for a “healthy” child... The fact is that you will love this child whether it comes out a normal and healthy baby girl or a blue and green polkadotted one armed eight legged octopus boy... you just will because its your baby...

And most of all... I’m sick of feeling like crap...
I’m exhausted and bitchy... and I’ve got this horrible sinus drip, and the beginnings of a sore throat, and I’ve started my period...

I hate that when some people read this I will get calls asking if I’m depressed because I have a history of depression... no, I’m not... Life doesn’t suck, and I don’t want to dig a hole, curl up and die... I just want to RANT and VENT a little...

I am so aggravated that my dad lives so far away...
Do you know how heart breaking it is to hear Austin talk about “PawPaw Brian” and say that he “neber see PawPawBrian” and “we not see him today”

I hate that we have a family that is so nosey.. and that wants to tell us what to do and how to do it.. .and that when they see the post up there about us wanting another child, they will swarm us with reasons why that is not a good idea... They don’t realize that we are the ones that matters.. it affects us, and only us... You don’t pay my bills, you don’t take care of my kid on a daily basis... Its not your choice... its mine and my husbands... And a choice hasn’t been made... but I suggest that you don’t get involved.

Ok, well,. Now I’m hungry, so I am going to go eat lunch...

Its just a raining day here in Paradise... I’ll be fine...